By Guest Blogger, Darla Olson, Chief Development Officer

What is domestic violence, really? We know what the experts say, it can be physical, emotional or verbal, but apparently the jury is still out.  Look at Charlie Sheen, a multiple offender, he holds a knife to his wife’s neck, yet gets off with no jail time! Is it because he didn’t inflict actual physical harm? Is it because he is a celebrity? Is it not truly domestic violence until it results in murder, like Stacy Bryant, the Rancho Santa Margarita woman who was murdered by her husband last week?

I think it starts with verbal abuse and can be stopped before it results in physical abuse or heaven forbid murder. If our legal system would be harder on those that commit verbal or emotional abuse than maybe it would never get to murder! What do you think?  After 4 years of listening to our clients’ stories many of them have told me they would have rather been hit then endure the pain of daily verbal abuse…bruises fade but the recordings play on in your head. The words like “you are good for nothing”, “you are a horrible mother”, “you are ugly” play over and over and tear down confidence and self-esteem and build up fear and hopelessness.

Domestic violence doesn’t just impact the woman, it is far reaching—children, other family members, neighbors, co-workers and bosses, students and classrooms. When is our legal system and society going to recognize this is more than an “issue” between a man and a woman?

A Guest Blog by Maricela Rios-Faust, MSW, LCSW, Human Options Chief Operating Officer

I can’t believe Human Options will be celebrating 30 years in 2011. Thirty years of working passionately to break the cycle of domestic violence here in Orange County. It’s even harder to imagine that the whole domestic violence movement started even before I was born. It was begun by passionate individuals in the feminist and civil right movements of the sixties. Those first leaders are now ready to hand over the reins to a younger generation, my generation. But how and what will that look like? We, too, are passionate but not for the same reasons as the earlier generation. Next week I get to be a part of what that future will look like.

I have been asked to be a part of creating a new vision for domestic violence shelters and prevention for future women and families. Next week I go to meet with others like myself as part of a statewide initiative. Blue Shield of California has initiated The Strong Field Project. The project is a four-year effort aimed at bringing small, individual non-profit agencies, like Human Options, together to build a strong, coordinated network of domestic violence service providers in California. Its goal is to inspire others, make smart business decisions, and consider new ways of service delivery.

This is exciting, overwhelming, puzzling, challenging, and a variety of other adjectives I can’t put all down here. I feel like I’m now the pioneer. This is our new vision. Where and how do we begin? I will let you know of the progress, challenges, and stumbling blocks over the next four years, ask your opinions, and listen to your feedback. Tell me what you think now. Is there any advice, experience, or opinions I can carry with me?

Life, as many of you know, can take many unexpected twists and turns. Mine has taken one of those turns but it has also brought about a unique opportunity. While I will still be lending my voice to this blog, others at Human Options will also be sharing their voices. The blog below is by guest blogger, Shirley Gellatly, Director of Community Education. Watch for more voices from Human Options in the coming weeks.

Recently, at a local middle school, two girls decided that, as a joke, they were going to post a mean message about another girl and get their friends to pass it on.  By the next morning, this untrue story about an unsuspecting 7^th grader had been passed to 150 “friends”.  The young woman was devastated.

FACT: 81% of youth said that others cyberbully because they think it’s funny.

When our community educators talk to Middle School students we try to educate them about the legal and personal harm that results from using technology to tease or harass another teen.  Students often think that cyberbullying is normal or harmless and often do not think that there will be a negative impact on the victim. As we all know from recent stories in the media, cyberbullying is harmful and can even be life threatening.

FACT: 70% of teens said that being able to block cyberbullies was the most effective method of prevention.

Parents can prevent or respond to cyberbullying. Teach your children to:

STOP: Don’t respond to the bully. Responding often only escalates the problem.

BLOCK: Block the cyberbully or limit all communications to only those you can trust. (With social networking sites it may be necessary to delete the child’s current account and open a new one limiting access to trusted friends. In some cases, it may be necessary for the victim to stay off the computer for a short period of time.)

Shirley Gellatly has been teaching kindergarten through college age students about violence prevention for more than 15 years through community education presentations at local schools. In addition, she has instructed law enforcement, medical, and education professionals on recognizing the cycle of domestic violence and domestic violence prevention. She is the Director of Community Education at Human Options.

The horrific story of the murder of the University of Virginia coed, a talented student and star athlete, by her ex boyfriend, also a star athlete,  should shatter the illusion of “it can’t happen to me” most of us live in. This young woman came from a good family, she had good self esteem, she was highly accomplished, and she became a victim of date abuse. The worst possible scenario happened. She lost her life, and the young man ruined his.

 How can this happen?  Because the illusion of love blinds even smart, educated women to warning signs. Because our culture still does not focus enough on alerting teens and parents to the dangers of date abuse, to the early warning signs, and to ways of getting help.

What can you do?

 As parents and concerned community leaders, you need to speak out to our own family, friends, and community groups.

As a supporter of Human options, you can reach out to your child’s school, your PTA, church, business or community group and invite Human Options to speak on the dangers of date abuse and the resources to help protect our young people. Our prevention program, Jason’s Story, especially touches teen athletes .Our speaker, Robert Diaz, is articulate, passionate, and young so that his story connects to our young people.

It happened to Yeardly Love, a successful, beautiful, smart star college student and athlete. It can happen to any one of our precious children.

Join us! Take a stand to educate our community.   Together we make the difference!  Please email me at vclecak@humanoptions.org re a place you would like us to speak.

This is a guest post from Community Education Director, Shirley Gellatly.

Last week was National Crime Victim Awareness week.  The movement to expand the rights of victims continues to be advocated by lawmakers.  One of the newer laws in California to advocate for the rights of the victim is Marsy’s Law. View the Victims Bill of Rights.

Number 12 of the Victims Bill of Rights is the victims is: To be informed, upon request, of the conviction, sentence, place and time of incarceration, or other disposition of the defendant, the scheduled release date of the defendant, and the release of or the escape by the defendant from custody.

Here is the interesting part.  The state has expanded its notification of victims to include VINE (Victim Information and Notification Everyday).  Using this system the victim can check on the offenders custody status and register to receive phone calls or emails when their offender’s custody changes. Sounds great except it’s no easy task. The victim has to register by phone or by email (this is not done for them by law enforcement or the courts) for this notification service. They call an 800 number and if the offender is in jail the victim leaves their phone number followed by the (#) key (this is all automated) to be called when their offender is released.  Before completing registration the victim gets a 4-digit PIN number.  VINE will then call them automatically when the offender is being released from jail.

Now remember, that most inmates are released from jail between midnight and 4:00pm.  The VINE automated phone call very often comes in the middle of the night and before it will release any information the victim has to enter their PIN.  If you fail to remember or have to fumble around to find your PIN, VINE will continue to call back until the PIN is entered.  This goes on for 24-hours.  (How often have you been asked to put in your PIN before you can continue using a site and after entering three or four just give up?)  Although VINE is here to expand the rights of victims the victim still continues to be the one who is often frustrated by the process.

We are making progress just by talking about the rights that should be afforded to victims.  But it is often slow and as demonstrated by VINE encumbered.  Meanwhile, Human Options will keep up the good work toward making every woman, man and child safe in their own homes.

Friday I went to the Volunteer Training for Human Options. At the break, a pretty young woman came up to me, held out her hand and said, “I don’t know if you remember me Vivian.”  I did recognize her and I was trying desperately to remember her name.  What I did remember was the day her mom with four children entered the shelter, the largest family we had accommodated in the new shelter. The woman standing before me was a teenager then.  When you are 13 years old and uprooted from your school and friends it can be a hard transition. But here she was, ten years later, taking our 40-hour volunteer training and telling me that she was here to learn more so that she could become a community advocate to educate others about domestic violence. 

Domestic violence is an intergenerational crime. Children learn what they live. To see a young woman, strong, smart and secure, breaking free of the cycle is the vision we all work toward here at Human Options. These children and the lessons they learned while going through our programs mean so much to me. I know Human Options truly changes lives when I meet them later on in life and know they will never experience the pain their mothers did.

I was very touched by a recent visit with a wonderful donor and supporter of Human Options.  A successful community and corporate leader in his 70’s, he is interested in creating a video telling his family’s story. He said, “this will be a legacy he to leaves as a gift to my mother.”  Like many women before the advent of domestic violence programs in the l970s, his mother was a longtime victim of domestic violence with no options for help. As a young boy growing up he had no power to change that. Now he wants to tell his story as a way of creating change to help community members understand the tremendous personal and social costs of domestic violence.

His commitment made me think of the many successful adults I meet in my work who share with me the stories of their mothers’ isolation and fear. I hear their words and voices saying “There was no one to help my mother. I used to run upstairs and hide in the closet; I will never forget my mother’s tears.”

Today as leaders in the domestic violence prevention and treatment programs we speak for these women who have no voice and for their children who live in fear. And we create the promise of freedom from fear and abuse for this next generation.

If you have a story you would like to share I invite you to join our community leaders who speak of past hurt and hope for the future and begin a dialogue.

I just heard Rihanna’s interview with Diane Sawyer.  I wish every teenage girl and boy, every mother and father could hear this and listen to some key messages  from Rihanna, a young woman who is now able to see and tell the truth about abuse.

“Don’t’ react out of love; love is so blind”  . Rihanna is so right; we have all heard thousands of love songs with the common theme that love is blind.  It sounds romantic, but the reality is that the message encourages us to live in illusion and ignore common sense.. This is especially true for teen girls who are seduced by  rock, rap and romance music. 

“Denial is when you start lying to yourself the minute the physical wounds start to heal.” Again Rihanna is pointing out an important truth.  Denial is the way we all avoid facing tough realities. It is both a subconscious and conscious way of hiding from pain.It keeps us locked in a bad situation that will only get worse.

The only way out of denial is to have people who care about you and help you face reality. But,most women and girls who are victims of abuse are like Rihanna. They blame themselves and tell no one. Rihanna didn’t want to talk to anyone after the abuse because she said she felt ‘so ashamed” that she chose someone like that.

We hope girls and boys, moms and dads, will listen to Rihanna’s story. Tell a friend or parent if you have been hurt by a boyfriend or if you are afraid. And parents ,don’t let your kids disappear into the illusion of love. Call our hotline – 949 8543554 or  a counselor who knows about date abuse if you are worried. Don’t go into denial.

And, boys, remember Rihanna’s words  “The thing that men don’t realize when they hit a woman is the scar inside – you remember it all the time.”

One in four women in the United States is a victim of domestic violence at some point in her life. Stunned by this statistic, I joined with three wonderful women–Carolyn Churm, Anne Wright and Margaret Thoreau to make a commitment to permanent change. 

Our vision: a world in which no woman or child should ever feel afraid in her/his home.

I began my role as founding director in 1981. (continue reading…)