I was fortunate to find my passion for elders and victims of abuse early in my career. It happened when I met Lupe, a woman whose own son, his wife and child moved into her home to assist her and then physically, financially, and emotionally abused her until another family member alerted authorities. Like domestic violence and child abuse, elder abuse is most often committed by family members and in the place we all should feel the safest, at home.

For the past six years I have had the honor of hearing victims’ stories of tragedy and triumph and thankfully-being a part of their transformations. Their strength fuels my passion and commitment to this important and rewarding work. I firmly believe that change can and does happen at every age, and that there is no such thing as “too late” for a person to find peace, safety and healing.

The sad reality of elder abuse

• 1 in 10 seniors will experience abuse after age 65
• 1 in 2 seniors with dementia will experience abuse
• Financial abuse is the most commonly reported type of abuse, but most often occurs in a combination of physical, emotional, sexual abuse or neglect
• Family members are the most common perpetrators of abuse (depending on the study anywhere from 64%-90% of cases)
• Victims of elder abuse are 3 times more likely to die prematurely
• For the first time in history there are more people over age 65 than under 18
• Elder abuse is a rising epidemic. Orange County Adult Protective Services receives over 700 calls to report suspected abuse each month!

Where can you turn?

If you are worried about an older adult and suspect they might be experiencing abuse by anyone, call Adult Protective Services 877.451.5155. This is a confidential and free resource.

Human Options is the only Orange County nonprofit organization that provides direct and specialized services to victims of late life family violence. Our Safe Options for Seniors program provides individual counseling, support groups and legal advocacy which includes helping the victim apply for a restraining order, accompanying them to court and educating them on their legal rights.  We fill a critical gap in assisting victims of late life family violence by meeting them in safe community locations or in their own homes. For urgent issues, use the 24/7 hotline 877.854.3594.

Help Human Options and Get Involved with Ageless Alliance

I have the distinct honor of founding and co-chairing Ageless Alliance with Dr. Kerry Burnight, UCI Center of Excellence on Elder Abuse and Neglect. Ageless Alliance (www.agelessalliance.org) was created in Orange County to join professionals and community members who are passionate about the issue of elder abuse and seeks to spark a social justice movement. The alliance is based on the belief that elder abuse is a violation of basic human rights of safety, health, and well-being. As a result of our work in Orange County, the National Center on Elder Abuse created a national Ageless Alliance of which Orange County is the founding chapter and is the model for the work being done at the national level.

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day is a yearly event presented by Ageless Alliance Orange County. It is an opportunity to learn more about the elder abuse epidemic, find resources for support, and join in the fight against elder abuse. There are even activities for children!

Event details are below:

Thursday, June 20, 2013
10:00 a.m. to noon
Laguna Woods Clubhouse Three
23822 Avenida Sevilla, Laguna Woods

To RSVP, call the Office on Aging at (800) 510-2020.

Cristi Dugger is a therapist for Human Options-Safe Options for Seniors program providing counseling and victim advocacy to hundreds of clients who have experienced late life family violence. In 2012, Cristi become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Currently, she is the Program Supervisor for the Safe Options for Seniors program.

Attendees donned big hats and seer sucker suits that tied into the next day’s Kentucky Derby.  Cocktail hour took place at an expansive poolside silent auction and guests gathered later in the ballroom for gourmet dinner, live auction, awards program and live music and dancing to music by former Righteous Brother band member, Lee Ferrell and Friends.

An evening highlight was honoring longtime Human Options supporters Nancy Dahan and Elaine Weinberg. Dahan grew up in a family dedicated to social justice and started advocacy programs for girls and women in her early teens.  All five of Elaine Weinberg’s children are practicing attorneys and she began her practice and a long legacy of philanthropic leadership in the early 70s.  Dahan in fact followed her mother’s passion and commitment of women and children’s issues as she was instrumental in organizing and supporting women’s legal rights, health care, and other advocacy issues in Orange County. Dahan practices family law as a partner of the Irvine-based firm Brown and Dahan and dedicates countless volunteer hours towards philanthropic women’s justice issues.  She has served on the Human Options board of directors since 2004 and is currently president elect.

Human Options co-founder and CEO Vivian Clecak introduced a shelter graduate Ingrid who shared her inspirational story of leaving an abusive marriage with two young children and going on to lead a long life free of violence.

Leading the fundraising efforts were the Winner’s Circle co-chairs Pame Schmider, Beth Bidna, Gail Ross and Eric Finley.

One out of five teens has been involved in date abuse. We read again and again about teens who see a rape and either ignore it or shoot a video and share it with other friends. As adults we ask ourselves how we can possibly change this teen culture of acceptance and even approval of violence, of blaming the victim, of not caring about the girl who was unconscious and vulnerable.

Five days a week, sometimes as many as five hours a day, Human Options’ community educator is teaching teens in high schools and community programs about the nature of date abuse, warning signs, and ways to build healthy relationships.

We receive emails and texts from teens that have heard our educator and tell us what a difference it has made. We hear from teens who say it changed their lives. And we hear from teens who are working to change the lives of others.

Ashley Elfend learned about Human Options through her mother Liz Elfend who volunteered on the Human Options hotline for many years. Ashley was a member of a mother/daughter group her mom organized which sponsored wonderful holiday parties for children at the emergency shelter. A high school senior, Ashley wanted to make a difference. She and three friends, Lior Shimoni, Jamie Lobel, and Kayla Sukert had a great idea to do a fashion show which would be an educational event and fund raiser for Human Options at the same time. I attended this incredible event which reached over 200 people and combined teen culture and education.

Ashley wrote me about her reasons: “ I volunteered with my mom at Human Options for a few years. The cause is close to my heart and so important to me as a young woman. I really wanted to show all my peers. I hope that people will spread the word about Human Options and the lives it has changed. Finally I hope that people will do everything they can to break the cycle of violence.”.

Fereidoun Firouzgar is a 23 year old college student who has begun volunteering at Human Options. He shared the reasons for his choice: ”A year ago I was taking an introductory psychology class at Irvine Valley College and heard a spokesperson from Human Options. I thought to myself that this isn’t just some story you hear on the news or read in the paper. It is something which actually does happen. I think it is as simple as I care and I want to help make a difference. People who have suffered should have a support system and if I can be a part of that and help someone else, then I’ll go for it.”

Fereidoun is about to transfer to Cal State Fullerton to major in psychology and probably become a social worker.

Several years ago I saw a teenage girl, Susan, and her parents for counseling. The young girl had been a victim of date abuse for over a year. She told no one. Finally she told her best friend. Her friend had heard our community educator speak and she told Susan, “This is wrong. It must stop. If you don’t tell your parents by next week I will.” Susan told her parents. They supported her totally and helped her end the relationship and built a stronger family connection.

These are the stories of six young people who took a stand. We can grow these numbers! The Green Dot program is a national initiative designed for high school and college students. The Green Dot program trains young people to replace a culture of interpersonal violence and inaction with one of support and safety. Each “green dot” is a new behavior that promotes safety and positive community.

Our community education director, Shirley Gellatly, and Jillian Cole, our community educator, will be joining an intensive training program at UCI to become Green Dot educators. We will then work with a number of high school groups to educate teens to become green dot advocates for healthy relationships. We are committed to spreading green dots. If you are interested in having a community educator speak to your teen or parent group, please call Shirley Gellatly at 949-737-5242, ext. 214 or email Jillian Cole at jcole@humanoptions.org or myself at vclecak@humanoptions.org. Each one of us can make a difference and everyone matters.

March 28, 2013

Human Options Serious Fun Fundraiser Honors Domestic Violence Legal Advocates Nancy Dahan and Elaine Weinberg

Newport Beach, Calif. – Community leaders, philanthropists and legal advocates Nancy Dahan and her mother Elaine Weinberg will be honored with the 2012 Dove Award at Human Options annual Serious Fun fundraiser on Friday, May 3 at the Balboa Bay Resort in Newport Beach. All event proceeds benefit the Irvine-based nonprofit working to stop the cycle of domestic violence in Orange County for over 30 years.

Dahan grew up in a family dedicated to social justice and started advocacy programs for girls and women in her early teens. All five of Elaine Weinberg’s children are practicing attorneys and she began her practice and a long legacy of philanthropic leadership in the early 70s. Dahan in fact followed her mother’s passion and commitment of women and children’s issues as she was instrumental in organizing and supporting women’s legal rights, health care, and other advocacy issues in Orange County. Dahan practices family law as a partner of the Irvine-based firm Brown and Dahan and dedicates countless volunteer hours towards philanthropic women’s justice issues. She has served on the Human Options board of directors since 2004 and is currently president elect.

The light hearted, but “Serious Fun” fundraiser theme is Mint Julep tying in big hats, seer sucker suits and the Kentucky Derby. Beginning with an expansive poolside silent auction and cocktail hour, guests will gather in the ballroom for gourmet dinner, live auction, awards program and live music and dancing to music by former Righteous Brother band member, Lee Ferrell and Friends.

Leading this year’s fundraising efforts is the Winner’s Circle including Pame Schmider, Beth Bidna, Gail Ross and Eric Finley.

Individual tickets to the event are $300 and sponsor opportunities are available.

For more information about the fundraiser or Human Options call 949.737.5242 or visit www.humanoptions.org.

About Human Options:

The mission of Human Options is to provide safe haven and life changing programs to help abused women, their children and families rebuild their lives, while working with the community to break the cycle of domestic violence.

Now in its 32nd year, Human Options provides a full continuum of services to stop the violence – from prevention and early intervention programs to emergency shelter and long-term transitional housing – that reaches over 20,000 Orange County residents annually.

Independent academic research consistently verifies that nine out of ten of their residential clients continue to be violence free one year or more after graduating from the program.

For further information about Human Options or Serious Fun call 949.737.5242 or visit www.humanoptions.org.

The rape of the girl whose inability to move or respond earned her the name “the dead girl” in the texts among the teens shocks us all. That this outrage can happen and so many spectators remain silent after all we have done as a culture to strengthen respect for women and girls requires us to review the challenges we face in changing harmful long held cultural beliefs.

Domestic violence, date abuse and date rape (one form of date abuse) are the only crimes in which the victim is blamed as much or as more as the criminal. Again and again in the thousands of texts teens blamed the girl for getting drunk and becoming incapable of consent or self-defense. Again and again distant observers and friends ask about victims of date abuse or spousal abuse, “What is wrong with her? Why did she stay? What did she do to provoke it? I would never be in that situation…”

This blaming and distancing turns the victim into a non-person. It is then very easy to become a silent bystander. We as a community that stands for respect and dignity for all women and girls must stand up against this silence.

Look around your community. Speak to your friends and family, your sons and daughters. Ask them what would you do? Tell them what would make you proud and why.

Speak up against the silence of the bystander.

Stand with Human Options and help build a community where we might say to a girl lying on the ground unresponsive or to a women or girl with unexplained bruises, “I want to help you. I want to stand with you and speak up for you.” Start now, forward this message to 5 friends and raise awareness.

There are two types of legacies that one can leave behind, a positive or a negative legacy. If one is not intentional about the legacy they are creating, an unintended legacy will be created whether you plan on it or not. Most people do not consciously choose between the kinds of legacy their life will leave, nor do they realize they are actively creating one with their actions of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. More often than not, legacies just happen.

Domestic violence has the potential to leave behind an unintended legacy of pain, hurt, and terror. A girl who is not the intended target of violence but who witnesses domestic violence, is left with moments that create a legacy that puts her at risk of being more than 3½ times more likely to be a victim of domestic violence later in adulthood. A boy who witnesses his parents’ domestic violence is left a legacy to be twice as likely to abuse his own wife as compared to sons of nonviolent parents. Women who are battered are left a legacy of financial, emotional and psychological challenges, along with a myriad of injuries – more injuries than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. The moments of domestic violence add up to a negative legacy that can last a lifetime.

At Human Options, legacies are created and re-written every day. Because of our shelter and the services that are provided, women and their children enter frantic, anxious, and unwell, and take away moments that allow them to leave calmer, stronger, and empowered to break the cycle of domestic violence. They create a different legacy for themselves and their children. A kind donor left us with a gift that has enabled the shelter to remodel the living quarters of those who stay with us. His gift will create countless moments for numerous women and children, and his legacy will be seen and felt by every family that passes through the shelter.

Think of the difference that could be made in the world if every person chooses to create a positive legacy born of true commitment to a cause or organization that speaks to their heart?

A legacy is what we leave behind after we are gone; it is the moments we leave for others to remember us by. A legacy is forever, whether it just happens, or whether it is planned. Think about it…what will be your legacy? One option you may consider is joining Human Options’ Legacy Society. For more information of how to leave a legacy with Human Options, call Darla Olson 949-737-5242 ext 317.

Because of this shocking statistic and others like it, February is not only the month of love, but also the month of Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention. February is a time to educate youth about dating violence- how to spot it, and stop it.

Break the Cycle (breakthecycle.org) is an organization committed to empowering youth to end the cycle of domestic violence. In 2010, Break the Cycle compiled a report of how each of the 50 United States and Washington DC’s Teen Dating Violence Laws measure up against each other. Kudos to California for being one of 7 states that was awarded a grade A! California earned that score for the rights and services it provides teen victims of dating abuse.

In California, minors (ages 12 and up) are able to obtain restraining orders (ROs) without assistance from a parent or guardian. CA also grants ROs in dating relationships, and does not just limit them to marriage (as they are limited in 8 other states). California minors also have access to many sexual health services, which are limited in other areas of the country.

In addition to these legal resources in California, there are many other resources available to teen victims of domestic violence. Contact Human Options for an educational domestic violence presentation at your local school, or contact Love is Respect – text loveis to 77054 to reach an advocate or visit their website (loveisrespect.org) to chat online. Please join Human Options in spreading the word about Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.

To find more detailed information on the report cards and the legal opportunities, see this website- 2010 State Law Report Cards

Pictured (left to right):

Laura Benz, Artyn Gardner and Wendy Peterson

Gardner is a member of United Way Orange County’s Women’s Philanthropy Fund and a Duke University Alumni serving in various capacities including chairing the San Francisco Bay Area AAAC, member of the Duke Alumni Board from 2006-2010, Financial Aid Initiative Committee and Director of Alumni Affairs Search Committee. She received of the 2011 Charles A. Dukes Award and lives with her husband Max in Irvine.

Laura Benz is a founding member of Orange County’s United Way’s Women’s Philanthropy Fund, past co-chair of OC United Way Loyal Contributor Cabinet, past member of the OC United Way Campaign Cabinet and a six-year member of Human Options’ program committee. Benz is retired from UPS.

Wendy Peterson is the General Counsel for Knobbe Martens in Irvine. Her volunteer efforts include serving as board member of the Legal Aid Society of Orange County, member of the Orange County Bar Association and UCI School of Law/General Counsel College.

Sherry Bragg is an attorney with Waldron & Bragg in Newport Beach. She is a member of the Association of Business Trial Lawyers, OC Women Lawyers Association, OC Asian American Bar Association, OC Hispanic Bar Association, a fee arbitrator for the OC Bar Association, and a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate).

Tamie Rus is president of Tamie Rus Design, a design firm in Laguna Beach. She is also active with the Newport Beach Chamber of Commerce.

Athletes, especially those competing in manly, macho sports like football, are taught during their entire lives to be aggressive and violent. Sensitivity and understanding is almost never encouraged, and these males learn that aggression is something to be proud of. My question is; how do these boys and men learn to leave their aggression on the field, and not carry it into other parts of life?

Many athletes struggle with this, which is evident from the recent media stories about professional athletes committing acts of domestic violence against their partners. Just this year we have heard about multiple shocking cases – think Chad Johnson, Jerramy Stevens, Milton Bradley, and most recently Jovan Belcher, who killed his girlfriend and then killed himself.

Who is responsible for teaching our boys how to handle conflict in their day-to-day lives, when they are encouraged to handle problems violently in sports? We hope that parents will be the ones to set examples for their kids and that they will teach boys to be kind and patient, but sometimes parents pass down abusive behavior. When children grow up in abusive homes (whether it is physical, emotional, verbal, or any other form of abuse) they are more likely to continue living in abusive homes as adults. These kids grow up thinking that this type of behavior is normal and their impressionable minds learn by watching and listening. If parents are not doing an adequate job teaching what a healthy relationship looks like, is it reasonable to integrate moral teachings as a core part of sports programs?

The NFL has recognized that its athletes do not always handle emotional issues well, so the league is starting to help. Historically, players have been encouraged to hide pain and injuries, and it is not typically acceptable to discuss psychological problems like depression. The NFL has implemented a “new comprehensive health program,” and has created a 24 hour Life Line1 (a telephone hotline) for players, their families, and staff to call for issues like addiction, depression, stress, and more. This Life Line is a step in the right direction, but it will not fix everything; it was created four months before Jovan Belcher killed his girlfriend, himself, and orphaned their 3 month old daughter. It is unfortunate that Jovan did not call the Life Line or reach out for some other type of support before ending two lives and orphaning a child.

With an average of 3 women killed in the U.S. everyday by their intimate partner2, we need to start teaching our kids at a young age what healthy relationships look like. Whether it be in sports or schools, it is evident that we cannot rely solely on parents to teach boys and girls how to treat their romantic partners. Domestic violence is working its way to becoming a public health problem and a regularly discussed issue. Hopefully the stand that the NFL is beginning to take against domestic violence will help protect our sisters, daughters, and mothers from being victims of this epidemic.

1 http://nfllifeline.org/current-players/

2 http://www.nnedv.org/docs/Stats/NNEDV_DVSA_factsheet2010.pdf